I’m approaching six months. Which 157 days ago seemed so far in the distance. A couple of days after Nathan passed I joined an online group “Young Widows Bulletin Board“, to connect with other people dealing with similar loss. The site had their forums split into durations of “widowdom”. The first being one day to six months. The next being six months to one year. I feel like I’m graduating from one group to the next. It’s bizarre because it almost feels like a point of maturation in being a widow, but I don’t feel like I’ve gotten any better at this.
I still cry nearly every night when I go to bed. I still feel that ache in my heart when I think of certain moments together. I get that lump in my chest when I think about the night he asked me to marry him (or rather, he told me).
The point that I’d like to make, is that after 6 months, this still feels so damn unnatural. I’m trying so hard not to become the bitter, jaded and enraged female that eventually turns into a spinster. It’s just so hard when pages like Facebook are littered, for lack of a better term, with wedding and baby photos. YES, to me…that is the natural order of things. But here I sit, without the love of my life and a vial of frozen sperm that I need to save thousands of dollars to get pregnant with. That to me, is not normal.
Yet as I sit on my tuffet and stew and stir about how things aren’t fair, I can’t help but feel that I wouldn’t take it back for anything. I would do anything to have it be the other way around, but I have to feel proud with how I’ve weathered considering what I’ve gone through. I found the love of my life and I did not give up on him or us. I learned hard life lessons before many people my age will have to. I’d like to believe that I learned the true meaning of love, while many will never know.
He was the missing corner piece to my puzzle, and nothing else will ever be able to fit in that spot.